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Thursday 23 February 2012

So You Want an Agent? Don’t Piss Them Off!


As writers we sometimes assert we write for ourselves. If you want to be published, you write for your readers. If you want to be traditionally published, those readers include your toughest critics, literary agents and editors. Even if you self-publish, you should have an editor, but that’s a different relationship and not one we deal with here. 

So if you want to traditionally publish, and avoid a ‘Go directly to jail, do not pass GO’ injunction, it becomes vitally important not to piss off the agents and the editors (in this context, I mean your editor at the publishing house). I don’t mean you need to pander and grovel to them, but there are a few things that I regard as common sense which are apparently not so… common, together with some writing habits that most annoy agents ad editors.

Agents – Relationship and Personality Gripes 
  1. Accept publishing is a business (yes, even self-publishing). I don’t want to hear about your muse. Any business has to sell a product consumers want to buy otherwise it makes no money and a business that makes no money is just a money-pit. There is no point trying to sell a book no one wants to buy. Understanding these harsh realities will make it much easier for agents to work with you. 
  2. Follow stated guidelines. This is pretty basic, if you can’t read, why should the editor expect you can write? I once worked at a medical centre where people would bang on the door with a sign reading ‘CLOSED’. You wouldn’t believe how much it pissed me off. Hello, can’t you read? Either you really can’t read, or you think you are some kind of exception. Neither will endear you to agents.
  3. Follow required manuscript format. This is really a sub-set of the above. Get it right, people. It’s not that hard. If you can’t do this, no one will want to work with you because you are a royal pain in the arse.
  4. Whinging and tantrums – don’t do them. Seriously? Seriously. You’d think this would fall under the heading of ‘common sense’ but apparently people do it. Throwing a tantrum might get you a publishing contract in some dimension, but not this one, baby. It just screams ‘unprofessional’ and why would anyone want to work with you after that? They won't. Royal. Pain. In. The. Arse. Don’t be one. 
  5. Threats – Why would you do it? Just don’t! You’ll be blacklisted by the industry. Believe it or not, agents do talk to each other!
  6. Thinking your work is flawless. You maybe be asked to make changes. You don’t have to accept them all but there is a reasonable chance at least some of them will improve your book. Know when to agree and when to stand and fight. This is called negotiation. Being inflexible just makes you that pain in the arse I mentioned. And snotty. No one is perfect. 
Editors - Relationship and Personality Gripes
  1. Taking suggestions as a personal attack. Your editor had to go in to bat for you against other editors’ projects. This is a joint project, not just your baby anymore. Consider what your editor has at stake.
  2. Crying, bitching and moaning – this is what your agent is for. Bitch and moan about the changes your editor wants to your agent. She’s getting paid for that. Your editor doesn’t want to hear it.
  3. Speaking ill of the dead – or your publisher. Bad-mouthing your publisher is not a smart career move. Including on your blog, Facebook, G+ or Twitter.
  4. Lack of timeliness – Meet deadlines. Or at least, if you can’t, tell someone. Don’t just let it pass and think no one will notice. They will. Communicate. You’re a writer, dammit!
Agents and Editors - Writing Gripe
  1. Backstory – All too often I see writers dumping lumps of backstory at the beginning of their books. This very definitely includes prologues (and if you haven’t read it, see my case study on when a prologue is acceptable here). The number one thing I find myself telling other writers when I critique is too much backstory. Huge infodumps of backstory. Backstory backstory backstory. Get the picture? If I see that much of it, how much you do you think an agent or editor sees? How much tolerance do you think they have? If you answer zero, you’re probably right. Backstory needs to be dribbled to the reader, not forced down their throat in a big lump to the point where we choke on it.
  2. POV – Head hopping! I hate it. I’m reading a book right now by an author I used to love and she is head hopping all over the place. I am persisting only because I have a track record with the author. Another book on my shelf was not so lucky. In case you don’t know, head hopping is where you use third limited POV and the reader can see the thoughts of all the characters. I'm not referring to properly executed third omniscient, which is not head-hopping. If you really, really must use omniscient third POV, then please do it right, but do not head hop while using third limited and then call it third omniscient - this is not the same thing at all! I generally won't notice third omniscient when well done - it's subtle. But I will notice head-hopping because it's not subtle. I’ve had people justify head-hopping as ‘But as a reader, I want to know what everyone is thinking.’ Let’s examine this statement. Yes, you want to know. What do you do to find out the answer? Keep reading. What do you do if you already know the answer? Maybe go eat lunch, turn the TV on. Agents and editors know this. A book like this hasn’t got much to recommend it.
  3. Use of facial expressions as speech tags. You cannot laugh, smile or scowl any kind of speech. You can say it and then smile. Wrong - ‘Come over here,’ she smiled. Right - ‘Come over here.’ She smiled. This annoys agents and editors too, probably because it’s so basic.
  4. Unnatural and stilted dialogue – Make sure your dialogue matches the character. Don’t use words that aren’t true to the character. Use contractions and sentence fragments unless there is a good character reason not to. This is how most people talk. Don’t use dialogue purely as a means to dump backstory, so no dialogue that doesn’t make senses, such as one character telling another things the second character should already know.
I’m sure there are others, but these are probably enough to go on with and the some of the most often reported agent and editor peeves.

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35 comments:

Damien Boath said...

Hey nice picture of me at the top trying to use Triberr!

My very nature means i'll piss people off. Thanks for the tips, I'll most likely ignore every single one of them! ha!

Kelly Gamble said...

Nice list.  I have to disagree, however, with the POV.  It seems everyone wants to do 1st person POV these days, and basically, I get tired of reading it. Most of the time, the character they are using hasn't got enough depth or isn't interesting enough to carry the story on their own.  It has it's place, but so does third omniscient. Depends on the story and the character. 

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Great post! I discovered last year teachers are teaching that facial expressions are appropriate dialogue tags (there's a poster available showing these are acceptable).  I was shocked! I told my son NOT to listen to his teacher when it came to dialogue. Apparently the teacher had also told the class to never use 'said.' Grrrr!

Lauryn Doll said...

LOL This was a great post. 

Justin Bogdanovitch said...

There are so many wonderful writing/agent/editor/publishing tips here, Ciara. And I try to follow them. Liking a certain POV is a preference, and when I'm reading I also notice the head-hopping thing...when it's confined to one person in a chapter and shifts to another person in a following chapter, when it's within the same scene, in and out of each character. When it's done well, I rarely notice it. And, like everything, this means being subtle about it. Haruki Murakami's brilliant new-ish novel 1Q84 writes 3rd-person POV (subtle head-hopping) like a Master (literary scifi that is also subtle parallel world creation). There are always rules in writing and beginners are told by writing teachers all the time that these rules must be followed, and then some other writer comes along and bends the rules into something fantastic . . . not very many writers can do this. Loved your post.

Dan Wright said...

Great post and has a lot of great tips here for aspiring writers. I'm not sure I personally would ever look for an agent or publisher (as I like doing it myself), but I'll remember these tips if that ever changes!

Imran Siddiq said...

Fantastic post with advice I recommend to all.

John B. said...

Doing all these things does not mean you will get an agent or editor. But I promise you that you can go to a bookstore and pick up a book that was traditionally published with agents and editors and find every single one of these errors.

Ciara Ballintyne said...

Of course it doesn't mean you will get an agent or an editor. And yes there are books with these errors. But there are lots MORE people who did these things and DIDN'T get an agent or an editor than there are people who did them and got an agent or an editor. The odds are against any writer who wants a publishing contract - you might as well do everything you can to make those odds in your favour as much as possible instead of relying on luck. And besides, some of these are pretty basic courtesy anyway, which is in itself, in my opinion, an argument for doing them.

Ciara Ballintyne said...

 Thanks Imran :-)

Ciara Ballintyne said...

Naturally I respect everyone's right to do it themselves, up to and including self-publishing. Best of luck if that's your course! And if you decide to traditionally publish, you can always use these tips ;-)

Ciara Ballintyne said...

I wouldn't consider a change of POV at a proper scene break to be head-hopping. This is pretty much the norm for fantasy as there is such a huge cast of characters. But head-hopping within a scene? Ugh. absolutely, rules can be broken, but a writer needsto know the rule and understand WHY it's the rule before they can break it intelligently! Glad you enjoyed the post :-)

Ciara Ballintyne said...

I don't use first. I hate it. I prefer third limited POV. But preferences aside, by head-hopping I meant third-limited with improper change of viewpoint character WITHIN a scene and without a proper scene break. I have no issue with properly executed third omniscient (although personally I don't enjoy it as much and it's not in vogue right now) or third limited with a change of viewpoint character at the scene break. Both of these are used often in fantasy. I admit I don't understand omniscient very well but I won't notice well done omniscient (apparently Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones are both omniscient 3rd but I didn't notice!) but I WILL notice head-hopping.

Ciara Ballintyne said...

 Thanks for posing Damien ;-)

My nature tends to piss people off as well. But that comes down to finding someone you can establish a working relationship with.

Ciara Ballintyne said...

 Thank you

Ciara Ballintyne said...

 What, really??? That's outrageous! And 'said' should be your standard dialogue tag, but you know that obviously. I recently read a book positively littered with growled, hissed and all sorts of other tags and I was nearly homicidal by the end.

Jennifer Eaton said...

Ha!  I have a friend who just self-published because he could not find an agent or publisher, and he just fired his agent for "creative differences"  He totally fits into "I'm going to do it my way" mold.

Dee said...

Great advice to take in!  Thanks for leaving a link @ G+ for folks there to find you!  I love the home page!

Ciara Ballintyne said...

 Some people just have to do it their way and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that either. I wish your friend the best of luck in his endeavours.

Ciara Ballintyne said...

 Thanks, glad you like the home page. I had to sit down with old fashioned paper and scissors to compose that, I just couldn't visualise it electronically. Shhhh, don't tell! ;-)

Julie Musil said...

Excellent advice, thanks!

Ciara Ballintyne said...

 My pleasure, happy to share.

Amberr Meadows said...

A little humility and common sense goes a long way. Nice post, lovely. ;-)

Ciara Ballintyne said...

 Oh boy does it... and yet some people are completely impervious to the fact they are behaving like an ass!

Maximillian_derembourg said...

Ciara! It's not outrageous, it's true! Not only is Use Of Facial Expressions As Speech totally published today (therefore, in vogue, no-one determines this more astutely than those who publish) its completely REAL, and actually BASIC.

I had a "writer" tell me (after reading a chapter of mine) that no-one can "smile-words." I had to laugh.  "I work in retail sales," I told him.  "I SMILE WORDS all day, every day!" I smiled at him in reply.

I will agree that no-one can "laugh words."  Laughing involves the spasming of the lungs and larynx. However, I can smile, sneer, and scowl words at you all day long.  Go ahead and ask my customers if I can smile words.  Then ask my co-workers if I can scowl them. I guarantee a 100% YES response to both.

Ciara Ballintyne said...

Yes of course you can smile as you speak - but that's the point, you are smiling AS you speak. You are smiling, and you are also, at the same time, speaking. It is the act of speaking which gives voice to the words, not the act of smiling, or else it would be impossible to smile without speaking.

And as with all things in writing, there are grammatical conventions for how such things are expressed. The particular grammatical convention for this one is "I know." He smiled. Sure, you can use a comma and not capitalise the 'H', but for those who know the rules and are sticklers for them, you will come across as ignorant of the rule. And sure, there are people who have been published while breaking rules.

The only point I'm making in this post is that it's hard enough to get ublished as it is without making some of these basic mistakes. You can maximise your chances by abiding by the rules. That doesn't mean rules are never broken, but a) you must know the rule to break it intelligently and b) breaking rules is something published authors find it easier to get away with than debut authors.

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