Top Five Major Discworld Characters

I love the Discworld books. Always a good rollicking romp, and sometimes a welcome relief from the intensity of ‘the world is ending’ in other fantasy. I like to read Discworld between The Wheel of Time and The Sword of Truth and all the other books filled with intense heroics and life-changing events.

Which is not to say the Discworld books don’t tackle serious issues, because they do, but in a comedic way that allows them to get away with it, and in a way that is nevertheless entertaining. So here are my top five major Discworld characters.

5. Vetinari

Is this an odd choice? And if it is, do I like Vetinari because I’m like Vetinari? Or at least, so say the Discworld quizzes which tell you the characters you are most like, and if there is any truth to it, perhaps I should be afraid... On the other hand, Vetinari is, as dictators go, a most benevolent dictator, and I should like to think I would be, too. Benevolent, I mean. I can do the dictator part standing on my head.

Vetinari is a fascinating character. He is always one step ahead of everyone else – even when you (and everyone else) thinks he isn’t. You can’t fool him, no matter how hard you try. I would hate to play chess against him! Or poker, either, I expect. He rules the city by playing faction against faction and knowing how each will respond – even before they do! He is held in contempt by several Ankh-Morpork factions, but mostly because they fear him, hate him, envy him or are just too plain stupid to realise how cleverly dangerous he is!

It is said Vetinari failed his stealth class at the Assassins’ College, even though he attended every class, because the master never saw him there.

“Don’t let me detain you. What a wonderful phrase Vetinari had devised. The jangling double meaning set up undercurrents of uneasiness in the most innocent of minds. The man had found ways of bloodless tyranny that put the rack to shame.”

4. Death

Opposite to Vetinari, he totally doesn’t understand people. But his quest to try and understand us is hilarious, and he has some of the best cameos in the entire series. And I just love the way he talks LIKE THIS.

Death has a daughter (adopted, of course), a white horse called Binky, and a scythe that can slice anything in half. I don’t recommend cutting yourself by accident on that scythe.  

“The Rite of AshkEnte is the most serious ritual eight wizards can undertake. It summons Death...

The wizards stared into the magic octogram, which remained empty. After a while the circle of robed figures began to mutter amongst themselves.

'We must have done something wrong.’

‘Oook.’

‘Maybe He is out.’

‘Or busy...’

‘Do you think we could give up and go back to bed?’

WHO ARE WE WAITING FOR, EXACTLY?"

3. Mistress Esmerelda (Granny) Weatherwax

Head of her coven of witches in the Ramtop Mountains in the miniscule kingdom of Lancre. Like Vetinari, Granny has a very good grasp of people (although she calls it ‘headology’, or akin to psychology I expect). I’m not sure if they have ever met, but if they did, I expect there would be a certain amount of mutual respect and wariness. 

Like Vetinari, you can never get one over on Granny, even when you think someone has. Unlike Vetinari, though, Granny can’t fall back on being a tyrant – although she can and does fall back upon being a witch – in some parts just as bad or worse than tyranny – and is more or less a law unto herself. What Granny wants, Granny gets. She is, though, always conscious of the risk of ‘turning bad’ and cackling (a sure sign a witch has gone bad). 

Granny likes to always be right (forget admitting she is wrong) and she doesn’t much like losing. Perhaps that’s what I like about her... According to the quiz, there’s a dose of Granny in me as well!

“‘Blessings be upon this house,’ Granny said. It was always a good opening remark for a witch. It concentrated people’s minds on what other things might be upon this house.”

2. Sam Vimes

Once head of the night watch, and more recently risen to Commander of the Watch and Duke of Ankh, Vimes is very different to the three preceding characters. He’s cynical and very much against privilege and wealth and all about the common man, even if the definition of ‘man’ does keep getting shifted to include other species, which he’s not too keen about, and even if he has now been lifted to rank and privilege, which he’s also not too keen about.

Justice is important to Vimes, and legality, as he tries to shake off the spectre of his ancestor who was a regicide. It annoys him quite a bit when ‘Old Stoneface’ is declared a hero, because he believes you can’t just rewrite history and change the facts. The means does not justify the end where Vimes is concerned, but sometimes he is caught between what is right and what is legal.

Vimes is the Sherlock Holmes of the Discworld and he always gets his man. As you progress towards the end of the series, there are whole countries that shake in their boots when they hear Vimes is on the case.

Vimes is most concerned with ‘Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?’ - who watches the watchers?

“'I’ve been running around looking for damn Clues instead of just thinking for five minutes!’ said Vimes. ‘What is it I’m always telling you?’

‘Never trust anybody, sir?’

‘No, not that.’

‘Everyone’s guilty of something, sir?’

‘Not that, either.’

‘Just because someone’s a member of an ethnic minority doesn’t mean they’re not a nasty, small-minded little jerk, sir?'

‘N- When did I say that?'

‘Last week, sir. After we’d had that visit from the Campaign for Equal Heights, sir.’”

1.  Rincewind

Of all the characters here, Rincewind is the only one completely unlike me, and yet also my absolute favourite. He is either impossibly cowardly or incredibly pragmatic, and yet somehow he still manages to save the world. Over time, this develops into a certain sense of fatalism about how events will unfold.

Technically a graduate of Unseen University, Rincewind is still undeniably a failed wizard and we never see him of his own free will cast a spell. He even has ‘Wizzard’ written on his hat, just so people don’t mistake him for something else. Like magic, spelling clearly is not his forte.

Rincewind provides, in my opinion, some of the funniest moments, along with his luggage... er, Luggage, which carries itself around on hundreds of little legs and has homicidal tendencies. As he staggers from disaster to disaster, accidentally staving off certain death for the world along the way, we just can’t help but laugh... and laugh... and laugh. 

“'But there are causes worth dying for,’ said Butterfly.

‘No, there aren’t! Because you’ve only got one life but you can pick up another five causes on any street corner!’

‘Good grief, how can you live with a philosophy like that?’

Rincewind took a deep breath. ‘Continuously!’

Who are your favourite Discworld characters? Would you list any here, or others? There were plenty of more minor characters I would love to have listed, but then the list would have grown rather unwieldy.

I’m considering doing a series of these posts. What other Top 5 Discworld posts would you like to see? Or are there other fantasy Top 5 posts you are interested in? I’d love to hear your suggestions. 

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All quotes from 'The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld' by Terry Pratchett. 

Hear Me, Heretic! An Introduction to the Discworld

It has come to my attention there are heretics among us. Yes, heretics. Some of you have not read the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett!

*Pause here for shocked gasps*

If you’re sitting there thinking ‘I haven’t read it’ or ‘What the hell is the Discworld?’, then yes, I’m talking to you, heretic!

Don’t feel too bad. My Dad is also a heretic. It has become one of my life’s ambitions to convince him to read just one Discworld book. Just one. The Australian one didn’t work. I’m currently trying the science angle. 

The original and subsequent covers in Australia and the UK

If you don’t know the greatness that is Terry Pratchett, then you don’t know what you are missing. It is one of the world’s greatest tragedies that Mr Pratchett is suffering from early onset Alzheimer’s. The loss of his genius will be a cruel blow to literature. Go forth immediately, infidel, and beg, borrow or steal (or hey, even buy!) a copy of The Colour of Magic. It’s got dragons. I promise.  

I am here to introduce you to the magical wonders of the Discworld series via the first two books, The Colour of Magic and The Light Fantastic. Since there are two books, I’ll be doing this over two posts.

Unlike the rest of the Discworld books, you really do need to read both of these together. You don’t get a real conclusion to The Colour of Magic without reading The Light Fantastic. And, like many other series I’ve read, I didn’t start with the first book. Are you surprised? No? Didn’t think so. Someone bought me The Light Fantastic and in ignorance I read it and had to backtrack to The Colour of Magic. One day, we will find a series where I started at book one. What a novel idea...

Here’s the blurb from The Colour of Magic.

On a world supported on the back of a giant turtle (sex unknown), a gleeful, explosive, wickedly eccentric expedition sets out. There’s an avaricious but inept wizard, a naive tourist whose luggage moves on hundreds of dear little legs, dragons who only exist if you believe in them, and of course THE EDGE of the planet...

Rincewind

OK, that’s maybe not how I would have put it. The Discworld really is a disc, carried on the backs of four elephants, standing on the shell of the giant turtle swimming through space. The wizard is Rincewind, who is my most favourite Discworld character of all-time. He’s a wizard, but he is well and truly inept. He wears a pointy hat that reads ‘Wizzard’ just so people know what he is. He only knows one spell (but obviously not how to spell, ha ha) and he can’t use it. As for the luggage on ‘dear little legs’... Possibly my second favourite character. A box? Yes. However, if I had to describe the Luggage, I would probably have said ‘walking sentient box with homicidal tendencies’.  The word ‘dear’ wouldn’t feature.

This is our introduction to Rincewind, fleeing from a burning city and waylaid by two barbarians. He has just called one of the barbarians a ‘shadow-loving fleabag’ and the barbarian objects. How does Rincewind respond?

‘You don’t understand at all,’ said the wizard wearily. ‘I’m so scared of you my spine has turned to jelly, it’s just that I’m suffering from an overdose of terror right now. I mean, when I’ve got over that then I’ll have time to be decently frightened of you.’

That’s Rincewind, our friendly cowardly hero. He’d really prefer you dropped the ‘hero’ part. He introduces his companion as Twoflower, the man who started the fire. The barbarians ask if he is an arsonist.

‘No. Let’s just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, then Twoflower’d be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting “All gods are bastards”.’

Twoflower. Typical tourist, right?

I have to say that is a pretty fair description of Twoflower. Everywhere he goes, he draws trouble without meaning to. For example, he introduces the citizens of Ankh-Morpork (the burning city) to the idea of insurance (or in-sewer-ants as the locals say it). In his well meaning fashion, Twoflower insures the local pub, not realising all the pub owner understands is if his pub burns down, he gets gold. Do you start to see how the city caught fire? Not so good for Rincewind, who would like a quiet life followed by a quiet, painless death. 

Twoflower is a tourist from ‘the Counterweight Continent’, so-called because it has so much gold it makes up the weight of all the other continents combined. Needless to say, gold there doesn’t have quite the same value it does elsewhere, and Twoflower flashes far too much of it for his own safety. He is also looking to experience ‘authentic’ heroes and describes the pub as ‘a genuine Morporkian tavern.... All these quaint old beams’. 

Rincewind glanced around quickly, in case some leakage of enchantment from the Magicians’ Quarter across the river had momentarily transported them to some other place. No – this was still the interior of the Drum, its walls stained with smoke, its floor a compost of old rushes and nameless beetles, its sour beer not so much purchased as just hired for a while. He tried to fit the image around the word ‘quaint’. His mind reeled back from the effort.

You can see that Twoflower’s perception of things doesn’t really match reality. A very dangerous tendency. He also doesn’t speak the local language. Rincewind, poor wizard that he is, happens to know multiple languages and signs on as his tourist guide. Although he does so purely for the massive amount of gold Twoflower is offering, Rincewind is, at heart, a nice enough fellow trying to get Twoflower out of trouble. 

‘Stranger,’ said Rincewind levelly. ‘If you stay here, you will be knifed or poisoned by nightfall. But don’t stop smiling, or so will I.’

OK, himself as well. 

When Rincewind starts to discover how much gold Twoflower really has he knows he’s gotten himself into trouble.

Artist's impression of the imaginary dragons

As a student wizard, Rincewind had never achieved high marks in precognition, but now unused circuits in his brain were throbbing and the future might as well have been engraved in bright colours on his eyeballs. The space between his shoulder-blades began to itch. The sensible thing to do, he knew, was to buy a horse... But what would happen to Twoflower, all alone in a city where even the cockroaches had an unerring instinct for gold? A man would have to be a real heel to leave him.

Look for Part 2 to meet some more of the characters (including an up close and personal encounter with the Luggage!) and to learn if Rincewind is, in fact, a heel. 

What do you think? If you’ve read the books, don’t give it away for those who haven’t!

All quotes are from The Colour of Magic by Terry Pratchett. Go buy a copy or follow Terry Pratchett on Twitter @terryandrob